Sometimes It's Hard

“I know it seems hard sometimes but remember one thing. Through every dark night, there's a bright day after that. So no matter how hard it gets, stick your chest out, keep ya head up.... and handle it.” 
― Tupac Shakur

Sometimes this is hard. I've been able to keep a pretty good attitude most of the time about not feeling well but sometimes it gets to be too much. Yesterday and today have been those days. Remember, I haven't felt well physically for over a year now. It is frustrating and tiresome. I have big plans and not the ability to carry them out. I also have my scope and biopsy coming up on Wednesday, I think now that it is close it is weighing heavily on me. Thankfully, a good cry, a lot of prayer and talking it out and I can usually get feeling better.

Last Wednesday I found myself back in the ER. I had been having lunch with friends, we were eating outside. The heat is always a gamble but we were in the shade and I seemed to do ok but I could smell someone smoking. I felt things tighten up then. By the time we had walked up to my car (about a block) I was having a hard time breathing and my voice had changed- always a red flag. I used my inhaler and my friends hung with me for a little bit to make sure I was breathing ok. I thought I'd be fine but when I got in my car I remembered that I had been driving on an empty gas tank for three days. I knew I couldn't push my luck anymore. I stopped to get gas and the smell of the gas did me in. 

So, there I was at the ER. A man in our neighborhood, who had no idea I'd even been sick, tried to call me and when I didn't answer he called Doug. I called him back after I was released. He asked me about my illness and he said; "I''m sorry you have to deal with this." My reply to him was; "It's ok, it's life and we're learning to live around it."

I thought about that later and even though I hadn't really thought that answer through when I said it, I think that's really the truth. I'm not learning to live WITH this. I really hate it. I was really angry that I was back in the ER and I was really sad yesterday and this morning that I even have to deal with this and that there may not be a lot of change in the future. BUT I am learning to live my life the best I can under these circumstances. When I'm feeling ok, I do everything that I can, when I'm feeling bad, I sleep as much as I need to and I enjoy the time cuddling with Mick or just sitting on our deck and watching the kids play. Sometimes that's the best I can do and I'm learning to be ok with that.