The Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ….
The first 24 hours in the BHU were so tough, I think my body was kind of shutting down. All day I couldn't pee. I finally told the night nurse and he called the Dr. The Dr told the nurse to do an ultrasound and check my bladder levels, if it was over 300 ml go ahead and cath me. The scan came back between 450-500 ml. Luckily there was an experienced female nurse working too and the student nurse did the cath to make us all feel more comfortable. Over 580 ml came out! No wonder I was so uncomfortable! There were also some other physical reactions. It's amazing how stressed our bodies can get!
During the day we would have an individual therapy session with the social worker, meet with the psychiatrist, group therapy and recreation therapy. We were also given assessments every morning and night by the nurses, it was often a more comfortable place for me to talk- but don't worry, they all told each other every thing we said. :) Every person who talked to us would ask if I had suicidal thought, if I had plans and if I hope for the future. It took me until my last day there to say I had hope. When asked what that hope was all I could say was I hoped that I could get better.
In group therapy they would ask us to introduce ourselves. The first day I said; "I'm Stephanie, I'm here for the weekend." The third day I said; "I'm Stephanie, I'm here for depression." Finally by the last day I could say; "I'm Stephanie, I'm here because I wanted to kill myself." It was amazing to watch me grow and be braver and it became easier and easier to admit how I'd been feeling.
On the first day of group the only other person had been called out and the Social Worker said "imagine yourself as an old, healthy lady." As soon as she said this the tears started flowing because I couldn't picture myself as an old lady. I later told my night nurse that I couldn't imagine myself in one year let alone 30 years.
Rec therapy was a life saver for me. I'd forgotten how much I love to "create". The first day we modge podged little wooden boxes. It was so relaxing to me to make this cute little box. At first when I knew I'd have to make crafts I though for sure I'd throw it awas as I walked out the door. Instead they became things that were very calming and healing to me. And now that box sits on my bathroom counter and when I look at it I feel calm and am reminded that was my first step to healing. It also reminds me that I need to continue to create. We also covered notebooks and wrote down anti-anxiety play lists. And we made collages of things that were "self care" items for us. It was so therapeutic to cat and paste- kind of like kindergarten.
Each day as we did these activities we'd talk and sometimes share experiences. This was for sure where I did my best talking. It's much easier to talk when the hands are busy.
My last day, just minutes before I was to leave, we were asked to share what happened in our crisis situation. This was the first time I really opened up about what those couple of days before I came into the hospital had been like and how scary it was. I felt like a huge load was lifted off my shoulders.
While there I met some interesting people- ordinary people facing extraordinary experiences. Anna was my favorite. She came in the middle of the night after me and stayed until Monday morning. She came in addicted to heroin/cocaine combo. The first morning she looked like a shell of a person. It was so hopeful to watch her eyes brighten as she came alive. She was a 23 year old single mom of 2. She loved her babies and missed them dearly. She left to go to a rehab in California. I think of her constantly and hope the she can get better and show the world who she truly is! There were others- all impacted me somehow.
I am grateful for the lessons I learned while in the hospital the tender mercies I felt and the angels who were put in my path.
