This has been a really hard few weeks. My gut (sphincter of Oddi dysfunction) has started acting up again- I've already had to travel to Indiana twice in the last two years to have it repaired. The pain was so severe it landed me in the ER again. These times the Drs weren't very nice, actually they were quite judgmental. It has been a hard pill for me to swallow. Up until this time I have felt very taken care of and helped by the medical world. My faith and hope have been wavering.
I have a neighbor who is an ER Dr, the last month or so he has been trying to help me cope with some that this breathing issue is putting into my life. The truth of the matter is that there isn't really a lot to do right now and the breathing is VERY difficult due to the smoke (from neighboring state's wildfires) that has settled into our valley. He sent me a text this morning asking how my breathing was. I responded that it was worse (we had talked last night). His response was; "Ugh. I'm not sure what else to do. I'm hoping there is a purpose in all this... It's so hard for you"
I was feeling very hopeless this morning. There are so many reasons for those feelings. This is a hard, hard trial I am going through. It has been a hard, hard trial for quite some time now. It's hard on my kids and my husband and my mom and my sisters and my neighbors. I feel guilt for that. I thought on the purpose of this. I believe God has a purpose for what comes into our lives. I still don't know what this purpose is. Maybe I won't know until the next life what purpose this is serving but I know that I am growing. I wrote the following in my journal;
"Sometimes Heavenly Father sends helping hands when I think there is no more hope. Texts from a neighbor. Messages from friends. Phone calls from the Dr offices seeing if there is anything they can do to help today.
Sometimes simply knowing that I'm NOT ALONE is the best gift I can be given. Sometimes we need others to help pull us out of the depths of our winters."
