Living

"Live life to the fullest because it only happens ONCE"

When people hear about what is going on with my body they often ask me if I'm afraid. They say things like; "I think I'd just stay at home in my bed and cry." Or "I'd never leave my house." My answer to them usually is; "I want to live while I'm alive. I want my kids to know I lived. And if I die tomorrow at least I lived today."
I truly feel and believe these thoughts. I haven't always, just a few short months ago I was fighting suicidal feelings, but, gratefully, they left me a while ago. And when I first became sick it was scary to leave my house and I often didn't want to. But during my last stay in the ICU my attitude changed and I decided I was going to live and love with all my heart. If I live four days or forty years I will have no regrets.
On Friday I had work meetings/retreat at Lake Tahoe. It was hard for me to decide if I had the energy to go and if I dared go that far from home. I decided I was going to go and I was going to drive with my kids and my mom so that they would get some sort of vacation this summer. It's been hard on them too.
Now, it is the middle of the night and we are driving back across the Nevada desert and I'm reflecting on our trip. It definitely wasn't a high adventure/activity trip, we mostly stayed at Holly's house and swam until it was time to go to Lake Tahoe. Grandma stayed at Holly's and showed the kids a good time while we went and stayed in a nice cabin and had meetings and a good time. It was hard at times. I had to leave meetings for a time in the afternoon for a short nap. I had to go to bed early and I had to use my nebulizer and pray a whole bunch. BUT I also got to laugh with my coworkers and got to go on a short walk to the beautiful overlook of the lake and I got to spend time with my sister and my husband (who flew in Thursday night) and I got to go on a drive with a new coworker who I now consider a friend. I feel lucky I got to have these experiences.
Then, today, on Saturday, was the best of all! We went to Folsam Lake. Holly and Frank brought their (Mom's old) boat and we took turns playing on the beach and going out and riding the tube. No one really wanted me to get on the tube but I knew I had to. The boat, water and speed are some of my happy places. I got on the tube and had a great time! I even jumped off it to swim back to the boat. That didn't go so well and they had to send the tube back to me to pull me in because I ran out of breath. But that was ok because I got to experience the thrill of the wind, the bumps of the waves, the freedom of the water and the movement of my body in the water.













I'm grateful for life! I'm grateful for being able to watch my kids love life and I'm grateful I have friends and family who are brave enough to let me live!

In the trenches

"In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." -Albert Camus

The morning after my day in the closet, Friday, September 26, 2014, a day that is forever etched in my mind. I got up with more energy and feeling determined with a decision made of what I was going to do. Unfortunately the determination and decision were both wrong ideas.

September 26 is the anniversary of my Dad's death 24 years ago. I don't know if that date had anything to do with my feelings but  I know I was having tender feelings about my dad. It is amazing to me that I can miss him as badly as I do even 24 years later. This was my FaceBook post that day:

24 years is a long time. It's a lot of missing someone. A lot of wondering what advice he would give. A lot of wishing I could have a Father's blessing. A lot of missing "leap years & reindeer stew". A lot of wishing my kids had a grandpa and my mom had a companion. But it's also a lot of times the veil has been thin. And a lot of times I can understand someone else's pain. And a lot of faith that life is eternal.

I felt those feelings so strongly. I felt that faith and the understanding that I'd learned from this trial of missing my dad since I was 15.

I knew that things in my brain weren't right, but I didn't know what to do. I called my counselor, there was no answer so I left a message. I decided to go on with my plan. He called me back within 30 minutes or so but I knew by then what I was doing so I led him to believe everything was fine (I really think I was so resigned to what was going to happen that everything WAS fine) and told him I was at a friend's house, because I was. The truth was everything I needed to end my life was in my van and I had a, hopefully, fail proof plan.

I had my day planned out. I went and got my nails done, zoned and visited with a friend. Then I went to lunch with two other very good, old friends. I said good-bye thinking in my heart that I would not see them again here on this earth. I had arranged a baby sitter to drop Mick off with but I wanted to play with him at the park one more time. We stopped at a park in Hyde Park and I let him play and play. As I watched and interacted with him it all the sudden hit me "You can't do this, this is wrong." It was as if a person was right there talking to me, looking back, I'm almost certain it was my dad protecting me from my terrible decisions.

I started to cry (and I don't think I quit crying for about 9 hours) I didn't know what to do. I knew if I called Dr F I would be sent to the hospital, and quite honestly, I think I knew that's where I needed to be. But boy was that a scary thought. As I sat and cried and wondered what to do, my friend's, who is a social worker at the hospital, name came to me. Through a series of small miracles I was able to get in touch with her. I told her a little what was going on and asked her to help explain what was going to happen. She was so kind, she talked me through it and made sure I could be safe until I could get help. She told me that this was a healthy, brave decision.

I put Mick in the car and then as I was driving home I called Dr F. I told him what was up (well little bits of it) and we agreed it was time for the hospital. I drove home and knew that I would wait until Doug got home to go. Doug walked in the door about 5 minutes after I did. He said he just had a feeling he needed to come home from work early.

All of these things working together were just the beginning of the tender mercies that I was going to experience over the next few hours and days. As I've thought back on this day the thought occurred to me; Even when you think there is no hope, there is always a glimmer. You only need to be brave for 20 seconds for everything to change.

I was only brave long enough to call my friend and Dr F- two 20 second times, after that it was out of my hands. I just had to go along for the ride.

I Am a Runner Too

"As an athlete, when you least expect it, you may find yourself standing on the threshold of an accomplishment so monumental that it strikes fear into your soul. You must stand ready, at any moment, to face the unknown. You must be ready to walk boldly through the wall of uncertainty." - John Bingham

I am a runner. I am a slow runner but I can run far. My marathon adventure will be a story that I will be sharing on this blog sometime soon. Running is not easy for me, I carry a lot of extra weight and I am slow so I really have to get outside of myself and decide I don't care what others think.

Don't I get to run in a beautiful world!

Today I went on a run, it was my first outside run in quite a while because of the health issues and the depression. It took some bravery to get out there and I did 45 second run/walk intervals. As soon as my feet hit the road my mental started feeling better (the physical always hurts when running but I think that's part of the point). It was cold here, about 10* and running was hard. I came to a crossroads, I had a choice, I could take the road that would be mostly flat for the next mile of my run or I could take the road that was uphill. I almost chose the flat road but realized if I did that I would avoid the uphill but I would also miss the fun downhill that would come on the other side of the uphill. As I made the choice to take the uphill route the thought occurred to me that life is like this too; I would love to avoid the hard, uphill portions of my life. I'd love to not have to fight this depression but if I didn't fight through this I wouldn't know the true joy. I appreciate the few days or moments that I feel happiness, peace and joy now in a way that I've never appreciated them before.

"...the cavity which suffering carves into our souls will one day also be the receptacle of joy." -Neal A Maxwell