Hurdles

"Life's problems wouldn't be called "hurdles" if there were no way to get over them."

Last Spring my 14 year old daughter decided to do track. She didn't just do something easy like the 200 m dash like most of the other Freshman. She decided to do the hurdles, both the 100 m and the 300 m. The hurdles look scary to me, I don't think I'd ever even try them. But she tried them and she practiced and she worked hard and she fell down and got scraped up. But EVERY SINGLE TIME she stood back up and either started the practice run over or finished the race. She was such an inspiration to me at the time and she still is today.

I feel like this depression and anxiety disease is much the same way. I fall down often. I get scraped up and hurt. And EVERY SINGLE TIME I have got up and continued my fight. Sometimes getting up is hard. Sometimes it's harder than what I can do on my own. So, what do I do during those times? Ask for help.

Asking for help is a hard thing and often I don't even know what it is that I need. But the last time I was in the hospital (yes, I've been hospitalized for my depression- that story will be coming) I came up with an easier way to ask for help. I made a list of my "people", the people I trust, people who are physically close, people who aren't relatives (relatives deal with me a lot anyway) and people who I know, without a doubt, love me. I set up a group text and when I need something I just shoot out one text. Whoever is available responds and offers what they can. Sometimes just getting a text back is helpful, sometimes a walk is suggested and sometimes it's a talk. This has been a great thing for me, I don't have to worry that the person might be busy or not want to deal with me that day. Plus by having a group text the others know that I've been taken care of. I'll admit this isn't fool proof, how can it be when a fool is on this end??? But it's pretty good, I just have to have the energy or desire to type that text. Sometimes that takes a lot but if I do, I know there will be someone there. For those true friends I am grateful!

Speaking of energy- sometimes getting out of bed is an almost impossibility for me. I decided while I was in the hospital that everyday I would get myself out of bed and get dressed for the day. I'll admit, some days that's all I have. Some days getting out of bed and dressed is an accomplishment. But I've noticed that if I'm dressed for the day, even if I'm laying back in my bed, things are better. If someone needs me I can respond. If someone drops by I don't feel stupid. Getting dressed helps just that tiny bit. And if I put on a really fabulous necklace, life feels that much better!

Running Didn't Solve Everything

After that marathon I felt so good! I thought I was on top of the world! I had conquered my demons and I could move forward with anything. I'm sure glad I recorded all those feelings while I was still on the "high" of conquering those 26.2 miles because less than 3 weeks after finishing those miles my life took a drastic change because that's what life and mental illness do.

June 6th my mom was leaving the country for a couple of weeks. I took a nice, short, wonderful run to pick up her car for her but something didn't seem quite right. I got home and within a couple of hours I was throwing up and in tons of pain. I assumed it was a kidney stone so I drove myself to the hospital. Nine hours later when they got the throwing up a little more under control they sent me home. This was the first of three ER visits in six days and the start of a very, very miserable summer full of tests, pain and nausea. Not to mention Doug was working in Wyoming. Finally it was decided that it was once again my sphincter of Oddi and I needed to go back to Indiana. Through the summer there was some depression and anxiety but mostly I was sick and sleepy and felt so alone. At the first of September after having the surgery and getting off the pain medicine I'd been on for months I was excited to get back into life! I think I thought I would pick up where I left off in May. It didn't work out quite that way. My physical health didn't come back as quickly as before and actually still isn't back. And my mental health took a major CRASH!

Through September I went to counseling and took my anti depressants. I wasn't sleeping and sleeping for me is a MAJOR trigger for my depression to rear its ugly head. Things were not pretty. I was retreating more and more. I didn't have the energy to reach out and ask for help and I definitely didn't have the energy to help myself. I continued to go to counseling and I know that Dr F was concerned about me. He basically warned me that going to the hospital was an option that was getting more and more real. Dr F's biggest concern was that I could stay safe.

One day I finally reached the end. I got up and got my kids off to school and climbed back into bed. I didn't get out of bed again until I had to go to the bathroom. Then when I got out of bed I made it as far as my closet and spent the next 4-5 hours lying on the floor until Doug got home. I know Doug was terrified seeing me there but in reality this day was much better than the next day would prove to be, I had no energy to do anything, I was safe.

My Marathon Journey- Finally!

I was anxious to get going. I once again gave my friends the option to not go with me. I felt bad making them do this extra time. Jenni had to get Allison home but the rest of them said they were there for me. Even Scot, who had already finished his marathon, said he was going to do the miles with me. I felt some guilt but also very, very loved.

After getting everyone settled and ready to go again we started on the trail. I ran a few minutes but knew that because of some strange pains I was having I was going to have to walk. I was ok with that. I warned everyone I would be walking and they were free to run however they wanted. The stayed right with me. Scot and Jeremy ran most of it but they would always come back to us. Never once was I made to feel like I was putting them out or they were sacrificing for me. This was a security that felt new to me.

I actually had a lot of fun on these last miles. Emily played in the cotton “snow” and spread pixie dust. We laughed and talked and enjoyed the beautiful trail, river and scenery. Even if it was 1000*- or at least 80*. Alesa and Doug were awesome with their support. They kept us supplied with water and even grapes.

We shared fuel and electrolyte pills. I feel so bonded with these people and next time that I need support in my life, I know who I want on my side!

As we walked along, I was thinking about how the day had gone. It hadn’t been anything like my original plan, it hadn’t been plan b or even plan c. But I thought about the lessons and love I had felt that day. I thought back to the prayer I’d been praying for days and the one I prayed even as we climbed that uphill know that I was so close to the cut off. “Heavenly Father, I've done everything I can. I've done my miles, I've worked on the nutrition, I've hydrated, I'd read books, I had a support system. I need You to carry me through this race." And even as I was struggling so much and going up that hill and, truthfully, being quite scared, I was praying; “You have to carry me through this, I need Your strength.”

I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Heavenly Father could have given me the strength I needed. He could have helped me run that tiny bit faster so that I could reach that cut off point. But He didn't. And as I was finishing those miles, I knew in my heart that I was doing the race the way that I was meant to do it. The lessons I learned, the life changing perspective I received could not have been learned if I would have crossed that finish line.

Of course my family and Alesa didn’t let me down on my finish line. They were there cheering for me. Mick gave me a medal and they had a sign they had made the night before. It was only us, it was much quieter finish line than I had anticipated, but it was MY finish line! And I was proud of my accomplishment but most of all my decision to choose to finish something that most people wouldn’t have even started.

I later found out that the medal was a Katie original. She knew that I needed a medal, so as they were walking away from the marathon route she saw a sign in the garbage that had a big silver star on it, she took that. Then scrounged around our van for something to add to it, she found paper flowers and even a piece of yarn so I could hang it around my neck. Oh how I love this girl and I’m so proud of the sensitive caring woman that she is becoming!

Even though the sign was made the night before, it was the most appropriate sign for this adventure!