Blessings

"'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise" -Laura Story

Having a chronic disease is an interesting experience, especially a lesser known one and one that lands you in the ER often. Every Dr treats me differently. Some seem not to believe it's as serious as it is, some scare me with how serious they take it and others just don't know how to handle it. It's often hard to know where to turn and to know if you're imagining the symptoms. I think this is the same with all chronic illness, it's for sure been that way with both my depression and this Mast Cell Disease.

I know that even though the Doctors all treat it differently, and treat me differently, I know that our master healer, our Heavenly Father, knows what is happening and He knows the directions we need to go to get the help that is needed. I also know that He could just heal me but He allows us to experience these things "to give thee experience".

During my first hospital stay, when we had no idea what was going on and I think we all just thought it was an allergic reaction- a severe one- but something that would just go away. I was lying in my hospital bed and I was alone and a little nervous and not sure how to proceed. I was wanting a priesthood blessing and trying to think who I could call to come give me a blessing. Less than five minutes later Bishop Andrus and his counselor, Rigo knocked on my door. I exclaimed "I was just wanting someone to give me a blessing!" My Bishop smiled a knowing smile and I knew that he had been sent by my Heavenly Father at that time to help me.
They didn't stay long and we didn't talk much but they gave me a blessing. I'll admit, I was hoping for a blessing of healing and that I'd be told that I would be all better quickly. That's not the blessing I received. I was given much comfort and my family and I were blessed to have the strength that we needed. The thing that really stood out to me and has stayed with me all this time was that I was blessed "that the Doctors would be able to find the diseases that were in my body and be able to know how to help me with them." I was also blessed that I would be "led to the right doctors who could help me."
These two sentences have given me much strength and hope. I believe that these priesthood blessings come from the Lord. The men who give them, if they are worthy and in tune with the spirit, are just mouth pieces for the Lord.

Life Happened

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.
Delicious Ambiguity.” -Gilda Radnar


Oh there is so much to say... And all this time I thought I had nothing to say. The neck surgery went really well. My neck is healing great, much of the pain is gone and I haven't even had a headache since the surgery. My family and friends were awesome at taking care of me and having fun with me. Holly even came and stayed with me for a week.

But as seems to happen after my major physical journeys, my mental health crashed within weeks of the surgery and within days of coming off the pain killers. I once again spent a couple of days in the hospital for help with my depression. I came out with new hope and having connected with new Doctors and new education for my family. I felt we were really on a path back up.

This lasted for about 2 weeks when all the sudden I started having seizures. After a trip to the ER and being told to go see my psychiatrist about my medication, the psychiatrist told me that one of my medicines that I was on was known to cause seizures. I was immediately taken off that medicine and told never to take it again. Finally, I thought, now we can get on with life.

Wrong again! On March 8 I woke up with my lips looking like a lip job gone bad.

We went to instacare I was given some steroids and antihistamines and told to go to the ER if it happened again and my throat started to close off. Two days later, I woke up looking like I had been beat and I was having a hard time breathing so I called my friend and off we went to the ER.

They were shocked to look at me and see my whole body covered in hives.

No one knew what was causing this reaction- I hadn't tried anything new and the only unusual exposure I was having was the finishing of my basement. 

A few days later and another visit to the ER (that lasted 8+ hours) I was admitted to the hospital. I was treated for a few days and sent home. I was home for about 2 days and I ended up back in the ER. This time they decided that I needed to go down to Intermountain Medical Center so that I could be treated by an allergist and see if they could get to the bottom of this. Another long ambulance ride was in store. IMC is an amazing hospital! They know what they are doing and are used to treating bad things. Alesa met me at the hospital that night- even though it was late and my mom came down and spent the next couple of days with me. These two sure made this hospital stay easier since Doug couldn't be there because of work. While there the hospitalist consulted with an allergist/immunoligist and although I left the hospital with no more answers than I went in with, I was set up with an appointment with an amazing allergist. 

Dr Kelly, she is my hero. She looks like she's about 20 and a super model but has been in practice for 11 years so she must be about my age. She is kind and compassionate and smart and caring and thoughtful. She said that I was indeed experiencing true anaphylaxis. And she had me change some medications and went through anything else that could cause an allergic reaction. Because of my family history and my history she wanted me to see my GI Dr because there is an intestinal cancer that can cause anaphylaxis. I have had a pill camera endoscopy and indeed there was a growth found. No one is very sure what it is so I am waiting to go see another GI Dr who has the equipment to be able to go look at my intestines. Dr Kelly has diagnosed me with Mast Cell Activation. It is a disease that basically means an unknown reason for Mast Cell activation. Mast Cells are the cells that are activated when one has allergies. My body is activating them and sending them out for no reason and it is causing me to go into anaphlyaxis. She also told me that I have asthma, I've known for a while I had exercise induced asthma but didn't know I had it all the time. 

I take many anti-histamines everyday so I don't ever get hives on the out side of my body- although she says my insides are probably covered. Dr Kelly has tried to treat me with a shot but it twice sent me into anaphylaxis and landed me in the ER. So, now, I take a high dose of aspirin everyday with the hope that the Mast Cells will calm down. It has helped some, overall I feel better. But I have still had "episodes" and even a couple of stays in the ICU. 

This is a scary time of life and out of all my trials, I do believe this is the hardest I've ever been through. During my last ICU stay the Dr told me that he hopes the growth in my stomach is cancer- it can be removed.  The Mast Cell disease I will have to deal with for the rest of my life and "the rest of your life may not be too far". 

Through this all, if has been shown to me over and over again that I have a loving Heavenly Father who has never forsaken me. He has sent angels, both heavenly and earthly to watch over me. He is allowing this to happen for MY growth, so that I can become a stronger, better person. 

Hoping...

“Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, whispering 'it will be happier'...” 
― Alfred Tennyson

Tomorrow, Monday, I am going in for a herniated disc surgery. It's in the very bottom of my neck. I am hoping this will provide some physical relief that I've been searching for for a long time. If the physical relief comes I feel the mental will follow. It's nice to feel some hope...

Running Didn't Solve Everything

After that marathon I felt so good! I thought I was on top of the world! I had conquered my demons and I could move forward with anything. I'm sure glad I recorded all those feelings while I was still on the "high" of conquering those 26.2 miles because less than 3 weeks after finishing those miles my life took a drastic change because that's what life and mental illness do.

June 6th my mom was leaving the country for a couple of weeks. I took a nice, short, wonderful run to pick up her car for her but something didn't seem quite right. I got home and within a couple of hours I was throwing up and in tons of pain. I assumed it was a kidney stone so I drove myself to the hospital. Nine hours later when they got the throwing up a little more under control they sent me home. This was the first of three ER visits in six days and the start of a very, very miserable summer full of tests, pain and nausea. Not to mention Doug was working in Wyoming. Finally it was decided that it was once again my sphincter of Oddi and I needed to go back to Indiana. Through the summer there was some depression and anxiety but mostly I was sick and sleepy and felt so alone. At the first of September after having the surgery and getting off the pain medicine I'd been on for months I was excited to get back into life! I think I thought I would pick up where I left off in May. It didn't work out quite that way. My physical health didn't come back as quickly as before and actually still isn't back. And my mental health took a major CRASH!

Through September I went to counseling and took my anti depressants. I wasn't sleeping and sleeping for me is a MAJOR trigger for my depression to rear its ugly head. Things were not pretty. I was retreating more and more. I didn't have the energy to reach out and ask for help and I definitely didn't have the energy to help myself. I continued to go to counseling and I know that Dr F was concerned about me. He basically warned me that going to the hospital was an option that was getting more and more real. Dr F's biggest concern was that I could stay safe.

One day I finally reached the end. I got up and got my kids off to school and climbed back into bed. I didn't get out of bed again until I had to go to the bathroom. Then when I got out of bed I made it as far as my closet and spent the next 4-5 hours lying on the floor until Doug got home. I know Doug was terrified seeing me there but in reality this day was much better than the next day would prove to be, I had no energy to do anything, I was safe.

My Marathon Journey Part 3

Finally! It was time to get the party started! Jeff Galloway, a running coach and Olympian, was the marathon’s “celebrity” figure. I love this man and his philosophies. I read his books and followed his run/walk/run theory to train for the marathon. His books are so encouraging and positive and makes one believe they can do anything they want. He gave us a quick pep talk, followed by the national anthem and then we took our places in line. The countdown started and we very slowly crossed the starting line. We started our run; we were doing 3:1 intervals, three minutes running/one minute walking. At about mile one JoAnna turned to me and said; “You’re running next to Jeff Galloway!” I turned my head and saw him there! I was so excited; I think he probably thought I was a lunatic. I started screaming “I love you! I followed your training plan! It is because of you that I am here! Do you have time for a picture?”  He kindly obliged me and took a picture with me then took off running. He was running 15sec:15sec intervals, I was shocked at how quickly he was moving with short intervals! Later I got a message from Roz that said: “I saw Jeff Galloway in the lobby of my hotel before the race. I talked to him for a few minutes and told him about you. I saw in the pictures that you met him. I told him your name and that you had used his training plan to get ready for this, your first marathon. That it had worked well for you and got you to where you need to be to finish the race. He said to wish you luck and to tell you that you are prepared, to trust your training, and not to worry about speed. He was very nice.”

Emily told me that he looked very impressed with me- who knows- but it was a fun experience!

The aid stations for the Ogden marathon and half are always amazing and this year was no exception. The decorations, the support and the fun they provided helped make the experience one I will never forget!

We continued to run our intervals. Things were going really well! I think it was one of my fastest 10k’s ever. I had to stop to use the porta potties twice and my left hip was bugging me a bit but we were doing great and having fun up to the ½ marathon spot. So much fun in fact that we had to stop and ask the officer to take our picture.

I knew the hard part was coming; there are about 2 miles of hills that climb up and around Pine View reservoir. And by this time it was getting really hot. We had to make it over the spillway, about 17.5 miles, by 11:45. At the ½ way point we were about 30 minutes ahead of where we needed to be. About mile 15 I could feel my body crashing. My legs felt great, I had been having problems with my left leg, but so far it was holding up with a little help from essential oils. But the heat was starting to really play with me. My arms and hands started tingling and I could not run. Jeremy would run ahead to the aid stations and try to find me something to cool me down with. Then he’d run back and tell me what was ahead and I think he’d warn the aid station volunteers about me. Some of the volunteers even walked down the hill to encourage us along. At one of the aid stations they had ice that they handed to us, I put it down my bra, willing to try anything to cool my body down. It didn’t seem to do any good.

At the “Pine View Pirates” aid station all of the volunteers came out and filled the road with only an opening for us and cheered and yelled my name (Jeremy must have given them a heads up). It was a very touching feeling so encouraged. There were times I would run between Emily and Jeremy, there was something about being between them that gave me strength, I almost felt like they were pulling me along. At about 14 miles Jenni announced that was the farthest she’d ever run- I can’t believe her strength! And Emily had never officially done more than a 5k! These girls are crazy! And VERY good friends to me!

I wrote all 26 people on my arms.

I dedicated each of my 26 miles to someone who had impacted my journey to this marathon. Mile 15 was dedicated to my Dad because that was the how old I was when he died. Lately I’ve felt a little bit like he “abandoned” me, even though I am very aware that fought with all his might to stay here, it still feels a little like a betrayal- my dad had always been there for me. But as I was going up that mile 15 and wanting so badly to just stop, I felt a soft breeze and I knew in my heart that my dad was there with me. That is the second time I have felt him with me while I ran. I guess he has never left me, just has been busy with other things but when I REALLY need him he is right there.

I tried to just keep walking as fast as I could up the hills, even tried to run the down hills, I just couldn’t do it for more than a couple of minutes. The Sheriff was driving by telling me how much time I had to get over the spillway and the medic van would drive by and cheer and encourage me to push.  JoAnna was giving me pep talks; “This is your brain’s way of not having to run anymore” while dragging me by the hand. But for whatever reason, there was nothing more I could give.

For a couple of miles there was a lady in front of us who seemed to be struggling, Jeremy ran ahead and talked to her to make sure she was ok. He came back as said she was so positive; “just keep going, don’t give up, we can make it”. Somewhere along the way we passed her, but I didn’t even realize it until we were all on the bus together. Later I found out her name was Diana.

I knew we were within minutes of running out of time. I tried to push, but I just couldn’t. It was such a strange feeling because it really wasn’t fatigue; I just think it was heat. We hit the start of the spillway at 11:45. The Ogden race official stopped us, I begged him to let us go on, I think he might have, but the Sheriff got out of his truck and started yelling at us. “You signed a contract when you registered. We have commitments with UDOT!” etc… It didn’t feel very nice, but I understood.

The first feelings I felt were ones of anger and great disappointment in myself, it was more disappointment than I had felt in a long time. I was angry and I hit the side of the bus and had to pace around to get some of that anger under control. As I climbed on the bus the bus driver said; “It’s not the bus’s fault.” Ouch! That stung! I knew I was taking my anger out and was not being in control of myself, but I didn’t have much control in me.  I climbed on the bus Emily, Jeremy, Jenni and JoAnna were already on the bus along with a couple other guys who had pulled themselves out of the race. The only thing I could say was apologize to JoAnna for not doing more, for not being faster, for not having more in me. I felt so bad that I had let all these amazing friends down. Then I remembered all the people who were supposed to be waiting for me at mile 22 and the finish line. I felt so bad that I had let these people down; I could barely imagine facing them and seeing the disappointment in their faces. I sent Alesa and Doug a text that read; “I didn’t make it” because I was worried about them waiting for me to show up. I also sent Holly H the same text, I’m not sure why I sent it but looking back I’m sure that was inspired. Of course they all started sending me texts, I was crying too hard to be able to read or answer any of them. JoAnna sat by my side and tried to comfort me, always, that girl is there for me!

Alesa called and I tearfully told her what was going on. She expressed great sympathy and asked me if I still wanted her and mom to come to the finish line. Of course I did! I couldn’t imagine facing this heart break without her support. Doug called; he too felt my pain and said he’d meet me at the finish. Then a few minutes later Holly H. called. She was the perfect person, I was trying to control my tears but I know that she heard them. She gave me an amazing “pep” talk, I don’t remember all that she said, but in her strong, firm voice she told me that I had learned the lessons I needed to from my training, I had lost weight, I had become stronger and this meant nothing to my success. These seemed to be exactly the words I needed to hear. I was able to get some control and some determination back. Just as I got off the phone I got a text from JoAnna (yup, she was sitting in the seat across from me- she’s kind of like that!) “Your goal was to make it to the start. You went 17.6 miles past that.” This made me emotional again because I was so grateful to be reminded of this truth. I knew that I had surpassed that first goal but my second goal was to run the 26.2 miles.

Seconds later I received a text from Holly H; “How many miles left? Go finish them!”

Me: “Less than 9”

Holly: “Go run 9 miles! What is a line??? Not one person is going to ask about the line when you say you ran a marathon today.”

This was a game changer to me. I hadn’t really even considered this option. I showed JoAnna. And I thought about it. I sat there and looked out the windows at the beautiful, green mountains as we drove around Trapper’s Loop. I had to make a very conscious decision in that few minutes. Was I a quitter? Was I going to finish what I started? 

Then the texts continued; “Do it!!! You can do it however, long it takes.”

In the meantime Alesa had called me to see where I was. I told her I was still on the bus but was considering running the rest of my miles. She told me she hadn’t worn her running shoes but would figure something out.

Doug also called to check on me and I told him the same thing. Being the ever loyal and supportive person he is he told me that would be good.

Alesa called back a few minutes later and told me that she would take me up to the Dinosaur Park on the trail and I could run from there to Fort Buenaventura and it would be about the miles I would need. She could meet me at the parks every couple of miles with water and support.

As I sat there thinking, thinking about everything that had brought me to this point in my life, the trials I had been through, the support I had felt and the fight I had had with myself and my health to even get to this point, my mind was taken back to the blessing Justin, my brother in law, had given me the night before.

I had been blessed “with the physical, mental (long pause) and emotional strength I would need to reach this goal.” I was also told that I was an example to my kids and was thanked for being an example to his family as well. I knew then, I was NOT a quitter and I had been blessed with the strength I needed to finish this! I also knew that I was making a decision that was much bigger than running 8.6 more miles. I was not a quitter in my life either. Going forward I had no choice but to fight. To fight for my health and life, suicide could never be an option again. I was a fighter, an example and not a quitter!

Me to Holly: “I’m doing it. I will be a marathoner!”

Holly: “Yes!!!!! That’s what I like to hear. Tell me when you finish!!!!”

Me:  “Gotta’ get off this damn bus first” (Now that I had made a decision, I was ready to get started.)

Holly: “Ha, ha, ha! Well, it’s a nice little rest. Just restart your clock when you start again.”

Me: “8.6 miles is what I need”

Holly: “It’s gonna hurt like hell. Just know that and know how sweet that 26.2 will feel. It will change your life.”

I don’t think she had any idea how much my life was about to be changed!

I turned to my friends who were on the bus and told them my plans. I told them that they did not need to do it with me, I would understand, but I needed to finish what I started. These friends cared as much about my goals as I did, they fully supported me and told me they would be there by my side.

Even my sister Holly sent me a text: “I love you! You are amazing!”

Me: “I’m finishing miles. I will be a marathoner today.”

Holly D: “Good for you! I’m so proud of you!”

I could feel her love and support even 600 miles away.

I still had to face my running friends at the finish. I wasn’t sure how I was going to do this. Then I remembered all that I had learned about shame and vulnerability. I knew that I could get off the bus and head the other way, I could avoid facing these people until after I had finished my miles. But I also felt as if I owed them something and I knew that it would be ok to show these people my vulnerable side. That is one of the awesome things about running friends- the see me without my “Sunday face”; they see me in my natural glory when there are no walls or barriers up. Running strips away all pride and ability to hide what a person truly is. These friends had seen me at those points, I could face them with this shame I was feeling. That is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made!

We were dropped off a couple blocks away from the finish line and although I had my emotions more under control, I was still teary and disappointed so I knew I didn’t want to go too close to the finish line. Alesa and my mom were the first people to find us. Alesa just hugged me and supported me. I felt so much love from her and not one ounce of disappointment from her. Then I hugged my mom. How I love this lady! She has always been there to cheer me on. I know she was so scared. She was worried that my body wouldn’t hold out, but she supported and cheered me on anyway.  Doug and the kids found us. How glad I was to see them! They all hugged me and even in my kids I could see the emotion they felt for me- not disappointment but love and sadness for me because they knew that I was sad.

Eventually my running friends made it over to us. Tara, Rose, Roz, Mindy, Allison, Scot, Shawn and Heather were all there. Each gave me a hug, I was able to celebrate their runs and their successes and                        even some disappointments. But as we hugged and I looked into their eyes all I felt from them was love. Love for me, even in my short comings. These beautiful people who I had only met within the last few years were giving me a most priceless gift- complete acceptance and love- even through my imperfections.

Tara said to me, with determination in her eyes: “This is not your fault! You would have finished, you just picked a race that had an early cut off time.”

As Scot gave me a big, secure hug he told me “You’re amazing.” I told him I wasn’t amazing yet but was going to finish my miles. He said: “No you’re amazing right now. And that all I’m going to say for now.”

I could have walked away and not seen all these people. Had I have done that I would have not had to feel some emotion, but I would never have felt the love and acceptance and strength from these incredible people. How grateful I am that I chose vulnerability.

While on the bus and feeling the worry I had over disappointing people, I realized that disappointment in me not finishing the race is nothing compared to the disappointment I’d cause if I were to take my own life. I would not be an example. I would leave people behind with anger and disappointment and confusion. I wouldn’t be greeted with open arms in heaven either, I would meet my dad and my grandparents with full disappointment on their faces, knowing that I had been a quitter, that I hadn’t fought with everything that was in me.

Since we had not gone through the finishing chute we didn’t have any water or any other food support so Doug walked to a gas station to buy us water. As I lay on the ground stretching and waiting for Doug to return with water, he had to walk ½ mile to get us water bottles, Maddie came to me and sat down by me. She said: “Are you okay? You’re the bravest lady I know.” That made everything that I’d done worth it. I’m sure the kids don’t understand but the biggest reason I run is for them. For them because it keeps me healthy, makes me nicer, helps control the anxiety and lets me see the beauty in the world.