When people hear about what is going on with my body they often ask me if I'm afraid. They say things like; "I think I'd just stay at home in my bed and cry." Or "I'd never leave my house." My answer to them usually is; "I want to live while I'm alive. I want my kids to know I lived. And if I die tomorrow at least I lived today."
I truly feel and believe these thoughts. I haven't always, just a few short months ago I was fighting suicidal feelings, but, gratefully, they left me a while ago. And when I first became sick it was scary to leave my house and I often didn't want to. But during my last stay in the ICU my attitude changed and I decided I was going to live and love with all my heart. If I live four days or forty years I will have no regrets.
On Friday I had work meetings/retreat at Lake Tahoe. It was hard for me to decide if I had the energy to go and if I dared go that far from home. I decided I was going to go and I was going to drive with my kids and my mom so that they would get some sort of vacation this summer. It's been hard on them too.
Now, it is the middle of the night and we are driving back across the Nevada desert and I'm reflecting on our trip. It definitely wasn't a high adventure/activity trip, we mostly stayed at Holly's house and swam until it was time to go to Lake Tahoe. Grandma stayed at Holly's and showed the kids a good time while we went and stayed in a nice cabin and had meetings and a good time. It was hard at times. I had to leave meetings for a time in the afternoon for a short nap. I had to go to bed early and I had to use my nebulizer and pray a whole bunch. BUT I also got to laugh with my coworkers and got to go on a short walk to the beautiful overlook of the lake and I got to spend time with my sister and my husband (who flew in Thursday night) and I got to go on a drive with a new coworker who I now consider a friend. I feel lucky I got to have these experiences.
Then, today, on Saturday, was the best of all! We went to Folsam Lake. Holly and Frank brought their (Mom's old) boat and we took turns playing on the beach and going out and riding the tube. No one really wanted me to get on the tube but I knew I had to. The boat, water and speed are some of my happy places. I got on the tube and had a great time! I even jumped off it to swim back to the boat. That didn't go so well and they had to send the tube back to me to pull me in because I ran out of breath. But that was ok because I got to experience the thrill of the wind, the bumps of the waves, the freedom of the water and the movement of my body in the water.
I'm grateful for life! I'm grateful for being able to watch my kids love life and I'm grateful I have friends and family who are brave enough to let me live!
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