“I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Often, the Lord’s timing of his tender mercies helps us to both discern and acknowledge them…." -David Bednar
As Doug and I drove to the hospital we held hands tightly. We were both scared to death; not knowing what to expect but knowing it was going to be hard. We had to go through the ER first. I was so nervous, I didn't want to be treated rudely and questioned a whole lot. As I checked in all I told the clerk was that my counselor had sent me. She nodded and got me checked in. The nurse who came to take me back was so kind and understanding and made light conversation with me.
Within minutes of being in my room the Physician's Assistant came in and said; "Stephanie, I've had two phone calls about you." He said Dr Redd (Psychiatrist on call- Dr F had called and talked to him) and Dr F had both called and talked to him about me but he said "before we talk about that I want to talk to you about your surgery in Indiana." He had been my PA on a couple of my visits and remembered me and wanted to be updated. I felt like it was such a blessing for him to be my PA because he understood part of what had got me to this point.
The PA told me that he'd been told him no matter what I needed to be admitted and asked Doug and me how we felt about that. I tearfully told him that I wouldn't be here if I didn't think that was what needed to happen. The tears were streaming down my face this entire time, he gave me a box of tissues and for some reason that was very comforting to me that he cared enough to do that. After he left, the nurse finished her questions and the social worker came in.
The social worker asked lots of questions. Wanted to know my thoughts and my plans. She was kind, helpful and at times even held my hand. The whole time I was in the ER I was treated with respect and dignity. It took about four hours in the ER to get all the paper work, insurance approvals, ekg and and drug tests completed so I could be admitted to the Behavioral Health Unit (BHU).
I had to tell Doug good bye in the ER; this was so heart breaking for both of us! I knew that if he were with me I could get through anything so it was hard to leave on my own. Two security guards wheeled me down to the BHU- the tears were still streaming- but they tried so hard to be kind and talk and joke with me.
I arrived in the BHU trying to control the tears but there was no stopping them. I was the only one right in the unit (two were in the ICU part). A sweet, young tech had to stay with me while I changed into their scrubs. She also had to take my necklace and bracelet. This young woman was amazing and would end up being a huge blessing in both visits to the hospital.
After she left a nurse came into talk to me. I recognized him immediately, he had been my nurse during my nine hour visit to the ER in June. I was so appreciative of his kindness then, I knew I could trust him now. He asked a lot of questions and talked to me for a while to find out where I was mentally. He gave me paper work and a rubber pencil. That pencil about did me in! I decided if you could survive the rubber pencils you could survive anything!
That night was one of the hardest night I've ever had. I was given medication to help with sleeping but I only slept until about 1:30, the rest of the night I spent pacing my very small room and staring out the window. All I could think about was how I could kill myself. Believe me, there's nothing in those rooms you could even hurt yourself with, but I was so sick, so damaged that night. I was scared being alone. I wanted my Doug there to hold me, I wanted to go to my own comfortable bed not the slabs of wood with a piece of foam on it they offered me. What had I done to myself??? What was wrong with me??? I felt broken. So broken.
The next morning my nurse came in, she was a little overbearing and loud, I wasn't thrilled with her at first, but she quickly became one of my angels I met during my time there. She took me under her wing. She encouraged me to call my Bishop and get a blessing, she talked religion (even though she wasn't suppose to) and encouraged me constantly. She played music and tried to get me to dance. I don't dance but I told her if she could find "Compass" I'd dance with her, and she did, and I did- a little. I had been dealing with a migraine on top of everything else so dancing was even more difficult than normal for me. She treated me with utmost respect and tried to give me as much freedom as possible. After her 2nd shift and knowing I'd be gone before she came back, she came and gave me a half hug ("we don't do this here either") and told me that I was an outstanding person and she knew I could beat this.
Another angel/tender mercy was my night nurse, I was lucky to have him for my three other nights that I was there. Nights were particularly rough for me. Every night I'd go to sleep then I'd wake up a few hours later in a panic. He was so kind to get me meds, meditation cds or to sit and talk with me for a bit. One evening while he was doing my assessment he asked me about my marathon. I told him my story and he got all excited be he'd heard part of the story already- his wife is in my running group (I didn't know her) and she's friends with Joanna and heard part of it from her.
He was a happy, positive person who would help me smile. The 3rd night he came to me concerned that I was worried about us having mutual friends. He assured me he never talked about work. He then got me one of his person movies; "The Straight Line" and sat and watched it with me when he could. He felt like an old friend and I think having him there all three nights was a huge help.
The sweet tech who was on Fri night was also on Sun and Mon night. She was relaxed and so, so kind. When I first got to the unit they offered me something to eat because they knew I'd been in the ER for hours. I had absolutely no appetite and I for sure wasn't hungry. I needed to order food for the next day but I just didn't care about doing it. So, unknow to me, she ordered it for me, all her favorites hoping I'd like them too. I was grateful the next day to at least have some food to "pick" at. She also was very open and caring with us. She shared her own experience with a family member and mental health. One night I was being bugged by a piece of meat stuck in my tooth so she snuck me a piece of dental floss. This girl holds a VERY tender place in my heart for so many reasons!
These were some of the angels I feel a great gratitude to. I'll share more in another post.
I had to tell Doug good bye in the ER; this was so heart breaking for both of us! I knew that if he were with me I could get through anything so it was hard to leave on my own. Two security guards wheeled me down to the BHU- the tears were still streaming- but they tried so hard to be kind and talk and joke with me.
I arrived in the BHU trying to control the tears but there was no stopping them. I was the only one right in the unit (two were in the ICU part). A sweet, young tech had to stay with me while I changed into their scrubs. She also had to take my necklace and bracelet. This young woman was amazing and would end up being a huge blessing in both visits to the hospital.
After she left a nurse came into talk to me. I recognized him immediately, he had been my nurse during my nine hour visit to the ER in June. I was so appreciative of his kindness then, I knew I could trust him now. He asked a lot of questions and talked to me for a while to find out where I was mentally. He gave me paper work and a rubber pencil. That pencil about did me in! I decided if you could survive the rubber pencils you could survive anything!
That night was one of the hardest night I've ever had. I was given medication to help with sleeping but I only slept until about 1:30, the rest of the night I spent pacing my very small room and staring out the window. All I could think about was how I could kill myself. Believe me, there's nothing in those rooms you could even hurt yourself with, but I was so sick, so damaged that night. I was scared being alone. I wanted my Doug there to hold me, I wanted to go to my own comfortable bed not the slabs of wood with a piece of foam on it they offered me. What had I done to myself??? What was wrong with me??? I felt broken. So broken.
The next morning my nurse came in, she was a little overbearing and loud, I wasn't thrilled with her at first, but she quickly became one of my angels I met during my time there. She took me under her wing. She encouraged me to call my Bishop and get a blessing, she talked religion (even though she wasn't suppose to) and encouraged me constantly. She played music and tried to get me to dance. I don't dance but I told her if she could find "Compass" I'd dance with her, and she did, and I did- a little. I had been dealing with a migraine on top of everything else so dancing was even more difficult than normal for me. She treated me with utmost respect and tried to give me as much freedom as possible. After her 2nd shift and knowing I'd be gone before she came back, she came and gave me a half hug ("we don't do this here either") and told me that I was an outstanding person and she knew I could beat this.
Another angel/tender mercy was my night nurse, I was lucky to have him for my three other nights that I was there. Nights were particularly rough for me. Every night I'd go to sleep then I'd wake up a few hours later in a panic. He was so kind to get me meds, meditation cds or to sit and talk with me for a bit. One evening while he was doing my assessment he asked me about my marathon. I told him my story and he got all excited be he'd heard part of the story already- his wife is in my running group (I didn't know her) and she's friends with Joanna and heard part of it from her.
He was a happy, positive person who would help me smile. The 3rd night he came to me concerned that I was worried about us having mutual friends. He assured me he never talked about work. He then got me one of his person movies; "The Straight Line" and sat and watched it with me when he could. He felt like an old friend and I think having him there all three nights was a huge help.
The sweet tech who was on Fri night was also on Sun and Mon night. She was relaxed and so, so kind. When I first got to the unit they offered me something to eat because they knew I'd been in the ER for hours. I had absolutely no appetite and I for sure wasn't hungry. I needed to order food for the next day but I just didn't care about doing it. So, unknow to me, she ordered it for me, all her favorites hoping I'd like them too. I was grateful the next day to at least have some food to "pick" at. She also was very open and caring with us. She shared her own experience with a family member and mental health. One night I was being bugged by a piece of meat stuck in my tooth so she snuck me a piece of dental floss. This girl holds a VERY tender place in my heart for so many reasons!
These were some of the angels I feel a great gratitude to. I'll share more in another post.
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