My Marathon Journey Part 3

Finally! It was time to get the party started! Jeff Galloway, a running coach and Olympian, was the marathon’s “celebrity” figure. I love this man and his philosophies. I read his books and followed his run/walk/run theory to train for the marathon. His books are so encouraging and positive and makes one believe they can do anything they want. He gave us a quick pep talk, followed by the national anthem and then we took our places in line. The countdown started and we very slowly crossed the starting line. We started our run; we were doing 3:1 intervals, three minutes running/one minute walking. At about mile one JoAnna turned to me and said; “You’re running next to Jeff Galloway!” I turned my head and saw him there! I was so excited; I think he probably thought I was a lunatic. I started screaming “I love you! I followed your training plan! It is because of you that I am here! Do you have time for a picture?”  He kindly obliged me and took a picture with me then took off running. He was running 15sec:15sec intervals, I was shocked at how quickly he was moving with short intervals! Later I got a message from Roz that said: “I saw Jeff Galloway in the lobby of my hotel before the race. I talked to him for a few minutes and told him about you. I saw in the pictures that you met him. I told him your name and that you had used his training plan to get ready for this, your first marathon. That it had worked well for you and got you to where you need to be to finish the race. He said to wish you luck and to tell you that you are prepared, to trust your training, and not to worry about speed. He was very nice.”

Emily told me that he looked very impressed with me- who knows- but it was a fun experience!

The aid stations for the Ogden marathon and half are always amazing and this year was no exception. The decorations, the support and the fun they provided helped make the experience one I will never forget!

We continued to run our intervals. Things were going really well! I think it was one of my fastest 10k’s ever. I had to stop to use the porta potties twice and my left hip was bugging me a bit but we were doing great and having fun up to the ½ marathon spot. So much fun in fact that we had to stop and ask the officer to take our picture.

I knew the hard part was coming; there are about 2 miles of hills that climb up and around Pine View reservoir. And by this time it was getting really hot. We had to make it over the spillway, about 17.5 miles, by 11:45. At the ½ way point we were about 30 minutes ahead of where we needed to be. About mile 15 I could feel my body crashing. My legs felt great, I had been having problems with my left leg, but so far it was holding up with a little help from essential oils. But the heat was starting to really play with me. My arms and hands started tingling and I could not run. Jeremy would run ahead to the aid stations and try to find me something to cool me down with. Then he’d run back and tell me what was ahead and I think he’d warn the aid station volunteers about me. Some of the volunteers even walked down the hill to encourage us along. At one of the aid stations they had ice that they handed to us, I put it down my bra, willing to try anything to cool my body down. It didn’t seem to do any good.

At the “Pine View Pirates” aid station all of the volunteers came out and filled the road with only an opening for us and cheered and yelled my name (Jeremy must have given them a heads up). It was a very touching feeling so encouraged. There were times I would run between Emily and Jeremy, there was something about being between them that gave me strength, I almost felt like they were pulling me along. At about 14 miles Jenni announced that was the farthest she’d ever run- I can’t believe her strength! And Emily had never officially done more than a 5k! These girls are crazy! And VERY good friends to me!

I wrote all 26 people on my arms.

I dedicated each of my 26 miles to someone who had impacted my journey to this marathon. Mile 15 was dedicated to my Dad because that was the how old I was when he died. Lately I’ve felt a little bit like he “abandoned” me, even though I am very aware that fought with all his might to stay here, it still feels a little like a betrayal- my dad had always been there for me. But as I was going up that mile 15 and wanting so badly to just stop, I felt a soft breeze and I knew in my heart that my dad was there with me. That is the second time I have felt him with me while I ran. I guess he has never left me, just has been busy with other things but when I REALLY need him he is right there.

I tried to just keep walking as fast as I could up the hills, even tried to run the down hills, I just couldn’t do it for more than a couple of minutes. The Sheriff was driving by telling me how much time I had to get over the spillway and the medic van would drive by and cheer and encourage me to push.  JoAnna was giving me pep talks; “This is your brain’s way of not having to run anymore” while dragging me by the hand. But for whatever reason, there was nothing more I could give.

For a couple of miles there was a lady in front of us who seemed to be struggling, Jeremy ran ahead and talked to her to make sure she was ok. He came back as said she was so positive; “just keep going, don’t give up, we can make it”. Somewhere along the way we passed her, but I didn’t even realize it until we were all on the bus together. Later I found out her name was Diana.

I knew we were within minutes of running out of time. I tried to push, but I just couldn’t. It was such a strange feeling because it really wasn’t fatigue; I just think it was heat. We hit the start of the spillway at 11:45. The Ogden race official stopped us, I begged him to let us go on, I think he might have, but the Sheriff got out of his truck and started yelling at us. “You signed a contract when you registered. We have commitments with UDOT!” etc… It didn’t feel very nice, but I understood.

The first feelings I felt were ones of anger and great disappointment in myself, it was more disappointment than I had felt in a long time. I was angry and I hit the side of the bus and had to pace around to get some of that anger under control. As I climbed on the bus the bus driver said; “It’s not the bus’s fault.” Ouch! That stung! I knew I was taking my anger out and was not being in control of myself, but I didn’t have much control in me.  I climbed on the bus Emily, Jeremy, Jenni and JoAnna were already on the bus along with a couple other guys who had pulled themselves out of the race. The only thing I could say was apologize to JoAnna for not doing more, for not being faster, for not having more in me. I felt so bad that I had let all these amazing friends down. Then I remembered all the people who were supposed to be waiting for me at mile 22 and the finish line. I felt so bad that I had let these people down; I could barely imagine facing them and seeing the disappointment in their faces. I sent Alesa and Doug a text that read; “I didn’t make it” because I was worried about them waiting for me to show up. I also sent Holly H the same text, I’m not sure why I sent it but looking back I’m sure that was inspired. Of course they all started sending me texts, I was crying too hard to be able to read or answer any of them. JoAnna sat by my side and tried to comfort me, always, that girl is there for me!

Alesa called and I tearfully told her what was going on. She expressed great sympathy and asked me if I still wanted her and mom to come to the finish line. Of course I did! I couldn’t imagine facing this heart break without her support. Doug called; he too felt my pain and said he’d meet me at the finish. Then a few minutes later Holly H. called. She was the perfect person, I was trying to control my tears but I know that she heard them. She gave me an amazing “pep” talk, I don’t remember all that she said, but in her strong, firm voice she told me that I had learned the lessons I needed to from my training, I had lost weight, I had become stronger and this meant nothing to my success. These seemed to be exactly the words I needed to hear. I was able to get some control and some determination back. Just as I got off the phone I got a text from JoAnna (yup, she was sitting in the seat across from me- she’s kind of like that!) “Your goal was to make it to the start. You went 17.6 miles past that.” This made me emotional again because I was so grateful to be reminded of this truth. I knew that I had surpassed that first goal but my second goal was to run the 26.2 miles.

Seconds later I received a text from Holly H; “How many miles left? Go finish them!”

Me: “Less than 9”

Holly: “Go run 9 miles! What is a line??? Not one person is going to ask about the line when you say you ran a marathon today.”

This was a game changer to me. I hadn’t really even considered this option. I showed JoAnna. And I thought about it. I sat there and looked out the windows at the beautiful, green mountains as we drove around Trapper’s Loop. I had to make a very conscious decision in that few minutes. Was I a quitter? Was I going to finish what I started? 

Then the texts continued; “Do it!!! You can do it however, long it takes.”

In the meantime Alesa had called me to see where I was. I told her I was still on the bus but was considering running the rest of my miles. She told me she hadn’t worn her running shoes but would figure something out.

Doug also called to check on me and I told him the same thing. Being the ever loyal and supportive person he is he told me that would be good.

Alesa called back a few minutes later and told me that she would take me up to the Dinosaur Park on the trail and I could run from there to Fort Buenaventura and it would be about the miles I would need. She could meet me at the parks every couple of miles with water and support.

As I sat there thinking, thinking about everything that had brought me to this point in my life, the trials I had been through, the support I had felt and the fight I had had with myself and my health to even get to this point, my mind was taken back to the blessing Justin, my brother in law, had given me the night before.

I had been blessed “with the physical, mental (long pause) and emotional strength I would need to reach this goal.” I was also told that I was an example to my kids and was thanked for being an example to his family as well. I knew then, I was NOT a quitter and I had been blessed with the strength I needed to finish this! I also knew that I was making a decision that was much bigger than running 8.6 more miles. I was not a quitter in my life either. Going forward I had no choice but to fight. To fight for my health and life, suicide could never be an option again. I was a fighter, an example and not a quitter!

Me to Holly: “I’m doing it. I will be a marathoner!”

Holly: “Yes!!!!! That’s what I like to hear. Tell me when you finish!!!!”

Me:  “Gotta’ get off this damn bus first” (Now that I had made a decision, I was ready to get started.)

Holly: “Ha, ha, ha! Well, it’s a nice little rest. Just restart your clock when you start again.”

Me: “8.6 miles is what I need”

Holly: “It’s gonna hurt like hell. Just know that and know how sweet that 26.2 will feel. It will change your life.”

I don’t think she had any idea how much my life was about to be changed!

I turned to my friends who were on the bus and told them my plans. I told them that they did not need to do it with me, I would understand, but I needed to finish what I started. These friends cared as much about my goals as I did, they fully supported me and told me they would be there by my side.

Even my sister Holly sent me a text: “I love you! You are amazing!”

Me: “I’m finishing miles. I will be a marathoner today.”

Holly D: “Good for you! I’m so proud of you!”

I could feel her love and support even 600 miles away.

I still had to face my running friends at the finish. I wasn’t sure how I was going to do this. Then I remembered all that I had learned about shame and vulnerability. I knew that I could get off the bus and head the other way, I could avoid facing these people until after I had finished my miles. But I also felt as if I owed them something and I knew that it would be ok to show these people my vulnerable side. That is one of the awesome things about running friends- the see me without my “Sunday face”; they see me in my natural glory when there are no walls or barriers up. Running strips away all pride and ability to hide what a person truly is. These friends had seen me at those points, I could face them with this shame I was feeling. That is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made!

We were dropped off a couple blocks away from the finish line and although I had my emotions more under control, I was still teary and disappointed so I knew I didn’t want to go too close to the finish line. Alesa and my mom were the first people to find us. Alesa just hugged me and supported me. I felt so much love from her and not one ounce of disappointment from her. Then I hugged my mom. How I love this lady! She has always been there to cheer me on. I know she was so scared. She was worried that my body wouldn’t hold out, but she supported and cheered me on anyway.  Doug and the kids found us. How glad I was to see them! They all hugged me and even in my kids I could see the emotion they felt for me- not disappointment but love and sadness for me because they knew that I was sad.

Eventually my running friends made it over to us. Tara, Rose, Roz, Mindy, Allison, Scot, Shawn and Heather were all there. Each gave me a hug, I was able to celebrate their runs and their successes and                        even some disappointments. But as we hugged and I looked into their eyes all I felt from them was love. Love for me, even in my short comings. These beautiful people who I had only met within the last few years were giving me a most priceless gift- complete acceptance and love- even through my imperfections.

Tara said to me, with determination in her eyes: “This is not your fault! You would have finished, you just picked a race that had an early cut off time.”

As Scot gave me a big, secure hug he told me “You’re amazing.” I told him I wasn’t amazing yet but was going to finish my miles. He said: “No you’re amazing right now. And that all I’m going to say for now.”

I could have walked away and not seen all these people. Had I have done that I would have not had to feel some emotion, but I would never have felt the love and acceptance and strength from these incredible people. How grateful I am that I chose vulnerability.

While on the bus and feeling the worry I had over disappointing people, I realized that disappointment in me not finishing the race is nothing compared to the disappointment I’d cause if I were to take my own life. I would not be an example. I would leave people behind with anger and disappointment and confusion. I wouldn’t be greeted with open arms in heaven either, I would meet my dad and my grandparents with full disappointment on their faces, knowing that I had been a quitter, that I hadn’t fought with everything that was in me.

Since we had not gone through the finishing chute we didn’t have any water or any other food support so Doug walked to a gas station to buy us water. As I lay on the ground stretching and waiting for Doug to return with water, he had to walk ½ mile to get us water bottles, Maddie came to me and sat down by me. She said: “Are you okay? You’re the bravest lady I know.” That made everything that I’d done worth it. I’m sure the kids don’t understand but the biggest reason I run is for them. For them because it keeps me healthy, makes me nicer, helps control the anxiety and lets me see the beauty in the world.