Why I'm Here

"Sometimes He lets it rain, He lets the fierce winds blow, 
Sometimes it takes a storm to lead a heart where it can grow.
He can move mountains of grief and oceans of pain,
But sometimes He lets it rain."
-Tyler Castleton/Staci Peters

This journey through depression is a fiercely personal one for me. I've kept it pretty close to myself and a few friends. I hadn't really even told my family- although I'm not surprised if they already knew- until a couple of months ago. Why, now, am I sharing this in such a public place? It's scary for me. It is opening up my story. It is making me vulnerable.

A week ago I was in the middle of a deep, scary place of depression. I was angry at the time, I was lost and I wanted to learn what I needed to learn so that I could be finished with this trial and move on with my life. Depression hurts, it's scary and it's pretty lonely no matter how many people try to help. And I've been a person who can decide that I'm going to accomplish something and move on. Depression has not been like that for me- I've tried it all and I'm still stuck in the middle of it.

I woke up one morning and the first thought that popped into my head was "You need to share your story." This thought was followed quickly by the reminder of a "truth" I'd felt in the Spring; "Maybe the lesson isn't yours to learn." I know that I've learned and am still learning plenty of lessons but last spring it was a major awakening to think I may not be the only one needing to learn from this. Whenever I have such a strong thought first thing when I wake up I believe it is a "truth", I believe it comes from a higher being. Especially because I take no less than 6 pills at night to help me sleep and not have nightmares- there's no conscience thinking going on.

I believe in a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior Jesus Christ. This is a truth that has never left me no matter how dark the day felt or how heavy the rain.

photo credit: http://beautyinthestill.wordpress.com/2013/02/01/beauty-in-being-caught-in-a-rainstorm/

I know we have a Heavenly Father who loves us. He is continually watching out for us and all things are in His hands. We don't understand all that happens and why it happens and that has to be OK. One day we probably will. We know that we have to submit to His will, no matter how difficult. He will never leave us. We will be compensated for the tears and loss we feel here on earth.

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those that love the Lord will be added unto them in his own way. While it may not come at a time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." -Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

I believe that we all started as spirits who have gained bodies and then leave them upon death and continue growing and learning until one day we are resurrected and can regain our bodies. We will all have that blessing and if we live right, and do the best we can, be reunited as family and friends.

I know that it is only through Jesus Christ, our Savior and our friend, that this is possible. I know that Christ stands at the door and knocks and it is up to us to let Him in. I have learned much of the atonement these last few months. I know that as Elder David Bednar said; "Christ came to earth to die for us- that is fundamental... But we also need to appreciate that the Lord desires, through His Atonement and by the power of the Holy Ghost, to live in us- not only to direct us but also to empower us."

Photo credit: lds.org

If you want to know why I believe these things and many more wonderful truths please feel free to contact me and/or see this web site: www.mormon.org