Where Did This Come From?

“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.”  - CS Lewis

I'm sure I dealt with mild depression as a teenager and other times during my life . One doctor told my mom I had depression and I just got mad because I'm not a "depressed" person. In fact, most people who I’ve told are surprised to hear that I have depression. I'm a naturally happy, optimistic, loving, serving person who easily sees the beauty in the world. I still am all those things but 2013 put a big kink in who and what I was.

In Summer 2012 I got very ill. I spent months being sick, in pain and throwing up. Finally at the first of May of 2013 I flew to Indianapolis, to the nation's expert of sphincters, to have surgery. The surgery was successful and I felt better almost immediately, in fact, I started running again 1 1/2 weeks after the surgery (I was told I could as soon as I felt no
pain). Within a few weeks I received some more bad health news and my husband got laid off.  I started feeling depressed. I had no energy and had a hard time getting out of bed and functioning normally. I visited my primary care Dr., she is amazing! She put me on Prozac and had me go back in a month. I felt quite a bit of improvement and
overall was able to carry on my normal life, although there was still some sadness. 

My husband is an electrician as a result we ride the wave of the economy with his employment we had been dealing with periods of unemployment since 2009. He got laid off in mid-May but I figured he'd quickly be back to work because it was coming up on summer. By the end of July he still hadn't been rehired (he was a union boy) and I knew
that it was just going to become slimmer and slimmer that he would get a job. This contributed to driving me into a deeper depression and, unfortunately, the thoughts of suicide started going through my mind about this time. I knew then it was time to get help- I had too much to live for.I had no idea who to go to or where to get help but luckily our Heavenly Father knew.  

I had the opportunity to be on an Epic Relay team (a footrace of 205 miles, Smithfield to Jackson Hole) with 11 other girl's from my running group. These events are always life changing and one of the few places, as adults, that we get to feel real camaraderie and teamwork. 

There's no competition with each other just the "big hairy audacious goal" of getting us to the finish line as a team. After coming back from this exhilarating weekend I posted this message on our team FaceBook page:

Ladies, I have to tell you "thanks"! It's been a really hard few months and I've really been struggling with my will to even go on. I get up every morning and put a smile on my face and try to make it through the day but inside I've been dying. But that changed this weekend, I don't know why. Maybe it was doing something hard, maybe it was seeing a great group of ladies work together to accomplish what seemed impossible or maybe it was losing myself in the thinking about others. What ever it was, I'm grateful. Hoping it stays. Or we may have to go run another 200 miles together somewhere...

One of the darling girls on my team e-mailed me and told me she had some experience with the things I was feeling and told me her story. Although it was very different it was also very similar. She told me that she had been helped a lot by her counselor and she would be willing to e-mail him and ask him if he could suggest a good counselor for someone in my situation. She got back to me with a couple of names and said either would be excellent. I called and was able to get into Dr F within a week. Luckily, I immediately felt good and trusted him, I know how rare it can be to find a counselor you like on the first try.

I started seeing Dr F in August of 2013 and have been seeing him almost weekly since then. He diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder and severe Anxiety. He told me that I have the genetics, the stressful situations and the medicines I had been on for so many months had depressed my mind. We worked hard and fought this disease, finally in the Spring I started feeling better, stronger and was coming out of the darkness. It was so nice to finally be able to relax and breathe a little.